08 January 2011

Happy Thanksgiving - Ode to Dysfunction

Becky: “Hi Grandma!  Happy Thanksgiving!”
Becky (louder): “I said Hi Grandma – Mom, Dad and Stanley are right behind me.”
Pots and pans are clanking.
Becky: “Grandma?  Should I bring the pie in there or put it on the sideboard.”
Bernice rounds the corner.
Bernice: “AHHH!  Who’s in my house?” 
Bernice rushes Becky with a turkey baster.
Becky: “GRANDMA NO!”
Bernice: “Oh Becky, how nice.  When did you get here?”
David: “Hi Mom.”
Bernice: “AHHHHH!” 
Another rush.
David palms her forehead.
Bernice: “David!  What a surprise.  First Becky and now you.  What brings you here?”
David: “You invited us for Thanksgiving, Mom.  Darren and Charlotte are coming too.
Sara: “What?!?  You didn’t tell me they were coming.”
David: “I didn’t want you to start in.”
Sara:  “Great.  We would have had more fun at my parents.”
David: “Your parents are dead.”
Sara: “My point stands.”
Becky: “Grandma, your house looks… beautiful.  I love your decorations.  How festive!”
Bernice: “Well, you know what they say; you can never have too many decorations.”
Sara: “Unless it’s November and you have Easter decorations up.”
David: “Mom.  Do you have any wine I could open?”
Bernice: “Of course, darling.  It’s in the pantry.”
David: “I will be right back.”
Bernice: "Stanley!  My word.  How wonderful to see you!  How’s college?”
Stanley: “I don’t go to college, Grandma.  That’s Becky.”
Bernice: “Becky.  Oh how I miss her.”
Becky: “I am right here, Grandma.”
David comes out from kitchen. Walks up to Sara
David (whispering): “Don’t go in there.”
Sara (anxiously): “What?  Why?”
David shakes his head.
Sara: “I am not eating cereal again this year.”
Becky: “The important thing is that we are all together.”
David and Sara empty their glasses and start a second.
David: “Stanley?  What the hell are you doing?”
Stanley: “I am checking out these pine cone things.”
Sara: “Leave them alone, Stanley. “
Sara: “Where is Darren?”
David: “They’re always late.”
Sara: “STANLEY!  Stop licking the pine cones.”
Stanley: “I think I’m getting stoned off of these.”
David: “You’re not getting stoned, you’re being poisoned.”
Stanley: “How do you know?”
David: “Because I made those in grammar school and they let us use toxic glue then.”
Sara: “David – call Darren.”
David (dials): “Darren?  Where the hell are you?”
Darren: “I am freezing my ass off in front of your house – where are you?”
David: “Why are you in front of my house?”
Darren: “Mom told me to come here.”
David: “Oh for Christ’s sake!  Get over here.”
Darren (to Charlotte): “Charlotte?  Get the kids in the car.  We’re going to McDonald’s”
David: “What? No – get over here…”
Sara: “Well?”
David: “They’re not coming.”
Sara: “Perfect.”
Bernice: “Well, I just checked the turkey and it looks wonderful.”
David: “You were gone for 40 minutes.’
Bernice: “I did the crosswords too.”
Sara: “Bernice, can I help at all?”
Bernice: “Oh, what a dear.  Would you mind setting the table?”
Sara looks to the set table.
Sara: “Done.”
Bernice: “Oh Sara!  What a help you are!  David, you should marry this one before she gets away.”
David: “So Mom, Darren’s not coming.”
Bernice: “Oh what a shame.”
Becky: “It’s OK.  It just means more time for us to visit!”
David and Sara groan.
Becky: “We have all these fun decorations and delicious smelling food.  We should, after all, be thankful.”
David: “Oh crap.  She’s back.”
Becky: “Who?”
David: “The holiday foghorn.”
Becky: “What?”
Sara: “Someone shoves a Christmas tree up your ass around Halloween and you bleat out holiday cheer for the next six months. “
Becky (sniffing): “Well excuse me for wanting to be a little cheerful during such a glorious season.”
David: “Where’s Mom?”
Sara: “Where’s Stanley?”
David: “I’ll take kitchen. You take guest bathroom.”
Sara: “Changing the towels out does not turn the only bathroom into a guest bathroom.”
David: (Gritting teeth): “Go find your son.”
David: “Mom?  You in here?  Mom?  Mom?”
Bernice (behind David): “yes dear?”
David: “HOLY CHRIST MOM!  You scared the hell out of me.”
Bernice: “Sorry Dear.”
David: “Can we put that cleaver down?”
Sara: “Found him.”
David: “Where?”
Sara: “He’s trying to get into your mother’s crawl space above her closet.”
David (pause): “Should we try to stop him?”
Sara shrugs.
David: “Mom?  What is that?”
Bernice (chuckles): “The gravy dear.  From last year.  I froze it.”
Sara: “Wait, we had Thanksgiving at Darren’s last year.”
Bernice: “Oh.  Maybe it is the gravy from your wedding.  That was so tasty wasn’t it?”
Sara: “You stole the gravy from our wedding?”
David to Sara: “THAT’S what’s bothering you?”
Stanley (muffed from the roof): “I FOUND HOFFA!”
David: “Becky – could you go help keep your grandmother from killing us please?”
Becky (whimpering): “Aren’t you afraid I might vomit a little joy all over the dinner?  You don’t appreciate me!”
Sara: “We bought you a Prius.  How much appreciation do you want?”
30 minutes later.
David: “I don’t know where Stanley is.  What is that smell?”
Sara (reading a Good Housekeeping from 1956): “I don’t smell anything.”
David: “Ug!  How could you not?”
Sara: “I’ve had two bottles of wine.”
Becky (coming out of the kitchen holding her nose): “Oh my God.”
David: “What is that smell?”
Becky: “I just opened the oven?”
David: “Is that the bird?”
Sara sings softly to herself.
Becky:  “I don’t think it was dead when she put it in.  She keeps calling it fluffy and says it is almost dry after its bath.”
David: “That’s it.  MOM - we have to go.  Sara is under the weather.  I am sending your police friends over again.”
Bernice (from the kitchen): “Oh!  It’s time for Sara to have the baby!  How exciting.”
David: “Everyone get in the car – NOW!”
They leave.
Stanley: “ Mom?  Dad?”
Bernice rounds the corner.
Bernice (with baster): “AAAAAHHHH!”
Stanley: “NO, GRANDMA, NO!”
Bernice:”Stanley!  My word.  How wonderful to see you!  How is college?”
Stanley: “The armadillo that lives in the attic told me to give you this.”
Stanley hands Bernice a mitten.
Bernice:  “Are you hungry?  I have so much food.”
Stanley goes to kitchen.
Stanley: “Graaaaannndddmmmaaaaa?  There’s an enormous bat in the oven singing ‘Greensleeves’!”
Bernice: “Oh!  The police are here.  Must be time for the dance.”
Bernice grabs her sweater and walks into the closet.
Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

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